Give me an Answer
by Yamiyugikun
Summary: Sojiro/Kenshin romance. Shonen-ai. Sojiro begins wandering after Shishio's defeat and can't figure out how he should live his life. He decides to return to Kyoto to find Kenshin to seek answers.


~Give me an Answer~

Cherry blossoms fell like snowflakes in spring and blanketed the hills surrounding Kyoto in their light pink bloom. The air around Kyoto had finally cleared from the smoke of Shishio's complex that exploded after his defeat a month ago. Meiji government officials ordered the local Army to clean up the remnants of Shishio's quarters and arrest any of his remaining henchmen. It seemed the chaos gripping Japan finally subsided in the warmth of spring.

The markets in Kyoto bustled. Old homes and businesses burned in the arson Shishio set began to be rebuilt. People scurried over the arched wooden bridges that spanned the city's rivers mostly in traditional kimonos, with a few wearing Western style clothes. One particular youth with a lovely doll-like face, almost mistakable for a girl's, could be spotted in the crowd. However, he kept his visage low under the brim of a pointed bamboo hat travelers often wore. He had been a member of the Juppongatana, Shishio's fighting force that attempted to conquer Japan.

He was Sojiro the Tenken, the strongest of the Juppongatana and most faithful to Shishio. He spoke politely and dressed well in clean, blue _hakama_ pants and a short kimono jacket. How could any suspect this pleasant young man with a nice smile, gentle voice and small frame, only 16 years old, was running from the law? His hands were stained with blood. He'd killed many people to do Shishio's bidding, even the head of the Meiji government, Lord Okubo, without remorse or regret.

But meeting Kenshin and being defeated had changed Sojiro's heart, opening up his mind to new ways of thinking. He couldn't understand why Kenshin possessed so much strength using his blade to defend others with his vow not to kill. After their duel Kenshin said, _if the strong exist to prey on the weak and the answer were determined by a single battle, then life would be simple. _

Sojiro then asked, _Himura-san, how can you be_ _so strong by caring about others? If the weak aren't food for the strong to live on, what's the answer then? How should I live my life? _

_You need to live it for yourself and find your own answers_, Kenshin replied. _I can't tell you what to do._

_You're harsher than Shishio-sama, _Sojiro said. _Making me find the answer._ _I suppose I'll become a wanderer like you_. _Maybe then, it'll come..._

In that last month following Shishio's defeat, Sojiro became like the wind. He drifted to Tokyo and back again to Kyoto. Shishio was a father figure and a god to him. Shishio's mistress, the Yoshiwara prostitute, Yumi, had been like a mother. Now he was lost and alone, without the Juppongatana or Shishio and his life felt empty. The smile he wore outside still masked his inner pain.

Before losing to Kenshin, he lived the life of a sociopath devoid of any real feeling. For the last 10 years, he bottled up his emotions in the deepest recesses of his conscious. Not having emotions made him a skilled killer. He had no battle spirit, nor feelings of regret or joy if he won or lost. Kenshin's ability to penetrate into another person's psyche by seeing into their heart changed all this.

It forced Sojiro's long dormant feelings to erupt and confront the undeniable truth: he never wanted to kill his abusive family in childhood to survive. Outside, Sojiro smiled when he murdered them, inside his heart cried out in tears. It exploded in him like a volcano and he yelled at Kenshin, _I hate your very existence! You make me feel so strange. _

He stabilized somewhat since that time, but the loneliness of not having his old father figure consumed him. He was in Kyoto for one reason only - to find Kenshin. With his sweet smile, he asked, "Excuse me, Sir, I'm looking for an old friend with cross-shaped scars on his face who beat Shishio-sama." "Oh, you mean the Battosai?" a vendor at the market responded. "He's staying at an Inn nearby, the Aoi-Ya."

He hid, perched up in a tree right outside the Aoi-Ya. He recognized Kenshin's friends coming outside.

"I just don't know what to do, Ken-san's been unconscious a whole month," lamented Megumi, ready to cry.

"I guess we'll go to the shrine and pray. I don't what else to do," added Kaoru.

"Prayer is bullshit. It ain't gonna do any good, but whatever," Sanosuke sighed. "Let's go. It's not like he'll be going anywhere."

Misao joined them and they departed leaving Kenshin alone at the Inn. This was Sojiro's golden chance. He leapt nimbly onto the roof. Descending down inside he found an enclosed garden. Multi-colored _koi_ or Asian carp, in an array of oranges, whites and blacks swam lazily in a pond. A small stone garden encircled the pond, followed by grass below the verandas of the Inn. A few small cherry blossom trees painted the garden pink and their blossoms fell like snowflakes.

When Sojiro landed on the veranda, he peered up and sunlight slipped beneath the brim of his hat. Its warmth kissed his pale face. It danced in his dark eyes and brought out the highlights in his jet-black hair. A cherry blossom wafted by brushing his lips. All the sliding doors on the veranda were closed, except one. He crept there slowly, silently, like an assassin's looming shadow. He paused, noticing a folded paper screen or _shouji_ placed there blocking the sun's direct light. Ever so slightly, he slipped past the _shouji_ and beheld someone inside.

They lay motionless on a futon. The _shouji_ filtered the sun's strong light and cast a gentle glow inside. It created a halo over the sleeping figure. His auburn hair shined red and was loose. It spilled freely in fiery streams over his pillow and down around his shoulders. His complexion was pale, starved of the sun for a month. His slight frame lay so still Sojiro swore he was dead. Sojiro's eyes ran along the white bandages around his torso beneath his pink kimono jacket.

Sojiro knelt beside him, taking in the grassy smell of the room's _tatami _mats. "Himura-san, I…I'm sorry…" was all Sojiro could muster. Regret tinged his voice. He knew Kenshin lay in a coma unconscious from the severity of the wounds he suffered in the fight against Shishio. "I came to ask you what I should do. But now, all you can do is…listen."

Tears welled up in Sojiro's black eyes, choking his vision and breathing. His throat tightened and heart raced. He felt himself having another breakdown just like the time he battled Kenshin. He wanted to scream aloud again, _I hate your very existence! You make me feel so strange. _

All the tears could do was flow of their own free will leaving traces of wet tracks. One rolled off hitting Kenshin's face - a drop of salty, bittersweet sadness. Somehow, Kenshin stirred ever so slightly. Sojiro didn't see. The tear landed right on his cross-shaped scars, a visual symbol of Kenshin's own grief from his past as a manslayer or _hitokiri_.

Sojiro and Kenshin were similar. That's why Kenshin understood him so well. They were both children who saw death, war and suffering. Shishio was a father figure to Sojiro, but did not have a true emotional bond with him, since Shishio himself was a deranged psychopath.

The Battosai in Kenshin could have been a psychopathic aspect of himself, but never took over fully thanks to the influence of his loving teacher, Hiko Seijiro. Hiko taught Kenshin to protect and value the lives of others.

As Sojiro contemplated how he became disconnected from his own emotions, he realized he had an attraction towards Kenshin. He sensed traces of it before during their battle, but he was so focused on their fight, he never gave it his full attention to understand what exactly he was feeling. This last month also gave him the space to explore his feelings and gain greater self-awareness as to who he really was.

He saw the attraction wasn't just an emotional experience. It was physical as well. He couldn't stop thinking about Kenshin the last month he kept wandering. When the loneliness crept in, thoughts of Kenshin cheered him up. That's what drew him back to Kyoto and why he desired to meet Kenshin again. Prior to meeting Kenshin, Sojiro never felt attracted to anyone, nor did he have a desire to explore romance. How could he, cut off from his own self?

He realized Kenshin was beautiful. Not only physically, but in heart and soul. His small, slender build, with a youthful, feminine visage cut out a lovely figure against the futon. The gentleness of his features pulled at Sojiro, drawing him ever closer. Now, in touch with his emotions, Sojiro was free to experience the attraction to another human being for the first time in his life. The feelings were exciting but also scary. A normal adolescent growing up would be curious, explore their body and the bodies of other developing teens. But being so cut off, none of this development happened to Sojiro when he had no battle spirit, regret or joy.

"What's this feeling? What's happening to me?" Sojiro murmured, in reaction to gazing at Kenshin. A sense of excitement coursed through him as he felt his blood race. It was a curious tingling sensation that felt like fire and drew all his awareness to the hardening between his legs. He saw the reaction through his clothes.

Without thinking, he bent over and kissed Kenshin on the lips. He realized that Kenshin wouldn't wake up. His violet irises that turned an intense gold whenever he became the manslayer would never open.

"Himura-san…" Sojiro uttered.

He couldn't believe he kissed him. He'd seen Yumi do it to Shioshio when they were still alive, but he himself never did it to anyone. What the hell was he doing, much less with another man? He wanted to pull away out of shame and fear.

Suddenly, warmth crept up and covered him just like the cherry blossoms in spring. He saw there was no need to be scared or pull away. The warmth was also like a sunbeam streaming into a cold dark room that reached into Sojiro's heart and stilled him. It told him that it was okay to have feelings for another human, regardless if he were a man.

"It that you… Sojiro?" flowed a soft voice. It had an unmistakable timbre and could be powerful screaming in battle or smooth as a whispering stream.

"Himura-san…" Sojiro sniffled. "You're…. You're awake!" he cried.

"Oro," Kenshin muttered. "Head hurts. I feel like I had too much to drink. How long have I been out? I could never hold liquor like my Master. I remember, he'd make fun of me if I was sick from having too much drink, that he would…"

Kenshin woke up slowly and regained his senses. He saw his body fully healed from the battle with Shishio. The room's filtered light danced in his eyes. The corners of his lips curled up in a slight, subtle smile.

Sojiro laughed. He felt genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. He wasn't alone and had someone who cared. The sadness of losing Shishio and the Juppongatana left.

"Well, then, if you've had a bad hangover, you need food," joked Sojiro.

He noticed a traditional Japanese sunken hearth in the middle of the room and an adjustable hanging hook from the ceiling above that was used for hanging heating pots for water, cooking meals, tea-making and providing warmth to the inhabitants. The hearth itself was made of iron. He lit a fire in it and put water and rice into the hanging pot already there. The rice was in a container again the wall and the water had just been drawn from a well in a wooden bucket next to it. Halfway through the rice cooking, Sojiro poured hot water into two ceramic mugs for tea.

Before he put in the water, he sprinkled _matcha_ or powdered green tea into each mug. Traditionally, the _matcha_ would be ground up and stirred in a series of elaborate rituals in Japanese tea ceremonies. Right now, Sojiro cared less for the ceremony and simply made tea.

Kenshin tied his hair back into a low ponytail and straightened out his clothes. While doing this, he observed how Sojiro moved gracefully and put care into preparing the rice and tea.

"I thank you for your concern, that I do," said Kenshin, sitting. "You came out here all the way to see me. I am most grateful."

Sojiro in turn noted how composed Kenshin sat, holding his tea with the ease and straightness of a Zen Master. The subtleness in the way Kenshin sat was an extension of his training in swordsmanship. A trained eye could spot a true swordsman from the way he walked and moved. Sojiro had some grace in his movements, but was nowhere nearly as fluid as Kenshin.

Sojiro also noticed how Kenshin observed him closely, reading his emotions as a master of the Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu style of swordsmanship. To have complete awareness of one's opponent was how that style worked. Kenshin watched him not out of fear, but simply habit. He learned to observe how all people reacted and felt. Sojiro knew he couldn't lie to Kenshin or attempt to hide his feelings.

"I came back to see you, because, I want to know what the answer is. I've wandered for a month, but I don't know, what I'm supposed to find," Sojiro began, breathing in the steam of his tea. "How am I supposed to live my life?"

The arousal still lingered in Sojiro. It was hard for him to maintain his composure in Kenshin's presence. Kenshin saw it clearly and Sojiro blushed. Kenshin knew Sojiro was attracted to him back in their battles, or really, when they first met brushing sleeves. He thought of what the best scenario would be in handling Sojiro and helping him.

_If I can show him affection, physically and emotionally, he'll understand how one person can care for another_, Kenshin thought, looking at him over his mug. _Maybe that will help him find the answer he's looking for. _

After they finished eating, Kenshin didn't answer Sojiro's question but casually suggested a walk in the garden. Sojiro followed followed Kenshin's slow, solid steps. The cool, wet grass felt so good on the soles of Kenshin's hard, calloused, battle worn feet. He smiled into the sun that kissed his face back. His gaze became lost in the _koi_ swimming around, in the butterfly dancing by, and the cherry blossoms softly scattered. His tousled hair framed his face and he peered at Sojiro from under his shaggy bangs.

"What are you doing, Himura-san?" Sojiro asked.

"I want you to kiss me, Sojiro, like you did before," Kenshin replied.

"W-what!?"

"Come here, just do it."

"O…okay."

Sojiro embarrassingly stood in front of him, closed his eyes and tried to learn to make their lips meet but froze. Kenshin put his hands on Sojiro's shoulders and pulled him in. He pressed Sojiro against the smooth trunk of one of the cherry trees as their lips finally met. Sojiro felt his arousal press against Kenshin's thigh. Kenshin wasn't embarrassed or hesitant. Sojiro realized this was a normal reaction when two people were attracted to one another.

"What exactly am I supposed to do?" Sojiro questioned again.

"Do what you feel, what you want to do," was all Kenshin said.

Sojiro let his hand explore Kenshin's body. It strayed down past the bandages to his waist, into the hem of his _hakama_. He paused, feeling the length of warm flesh in his hand. Kenshin took Sojiro's free hand and had it pull off his pink kimono jacket top. It fell to the ground by his feet.

"Just relax," Kenshin said, with a soft smile. "This is how as adults we show our feelings to those close to us, that we do. I was a little older than you when I met my wife Tomoe back in the Revolution in Kyoto." He rarely spoke of this to anyone but figured sharing would help Sojiro be more comfortable. "We made love. We shared and explored with each other. Not just on our wedding night, but in a relationship, that we did, before she died…" Kenshin didn't want to discuss how she died, that he killed her by accident and he received the other half of his cross-shaped scar. "As long as two people care about each other and want to share, it's okay, whether it's a man and a woman, or two men."

The doubt, fear and insecurity in Sojiro cleared up. He nodded in acknowledgement and tugged at Kenshin's _hakama_ belt. His pants fell loose and piled around his feet. Sojiro also reached behind Kenshin and pulled his hair free of the ribbon that tied it. Kenshin then drew off Sojiro's blue kimono top and pants as well. He lay him down on the ground and had him sit back against the cherry tree trunk. The warm air caressed Sojiro's bare body.

He walked Sojiro through step-by-step because his past trauma and sociopathic mind. He was trying to rehabilitate Sojiro and teach him what normal human intimacy was between adults. There was a lot of pain in Sojiro that he couldn't yet fully handle or understand like an ordinary person processing emotions and feelings. Kenshin didn't want to push Sojiro to the edge and make him suffer another breakdown like their past battle.

"Stay still," Kenshin said, reaching for the bandages on the ground that had been wrapped around his torso.

He touched Sojiro further. An intense inferno built up inside him and his body released the fire that consumed him. He cried softly, his head tilted back, body slightly arched, feeling a wave rush through. It was a visceral release from an old sense of primal self he used to sense but never fully experienced until now. There was no mess over Sojiro or Kenshin from the release, since Kenshin put the fabric from the bandages around Sojiro to catch it.

Sojiro lay relaxed in Kenshin's arms, calm, peaceful with his eyes shut. He was still sweaty but a cool breeze passed by deliciously hugging his body. He was there in the present moment, centered as Kenshin had been before when drinking tea. Something profound shifted in his conscious. It wasn't just the rush of endorphins from the release. There was a new opening just as a flower when it blooms. Without thinking, Sojiro gave a genuine smile and said, "Himura-san, thank you. Let me do the same for you."

"Alright," Kenshin replied. He surrendered, nestling his head in the crook of Sojiro's neck.

The smooth column of Sojiro's neck felt silky and moist. He took in the scent of lavender Sojiro used in his soap. Sojiro in turn smelled the lemon wash Kenshin used. Lemon held a special significance for Kenshin becaue Tomoe always used it. The bodily scents of lavender and lemon mingling were pleasant to Kenshin and calmed him. It was nice to be intimate with another person and feel close. Not since Tomoe passed had he experienced any real form of intimacy. It made him recall Hiko's words about valuing himself and his life.

_You are human. You're are not a god or Buddha. You're just as human as the rest of us and you can't carry the world on your shoulders_, Hiko had said to Kenshin.

Pleasant tingles shot through Kenshin's body from Sojiro's touch. It was amazing how a single touch evoked so many sensations and awakened the body into a fully living organism. Sojiro's calloused hands explored his scarred torso, firmly sculpted limbs and arousal. Kenshin moaned softly letting his head fall back. His auburn hair spilled out on the grass and he saw clouds passing by in the sky above. With his other free hand, Sojiro slipped it under Kenshin's neck and shoulders helping him sit up.

"Watch out," Sojiro pointed out, looking at the rocks surrounding the pond.

Sojiro then moved Kenshin to the trunk of the cherry tree where he had been. Its incline supported his back, shoulders and neck. Kenshin learned through this action Sojiro was actually a caring person with a good heart underneath the trauma. He wanted Shishio to love him. That's why he killed Lord Okubo and countless others for Shishio. Kenshin understood this in his movement. He put his hand down over Sojiro's.

"There, like that," Kenshin said, gently guiding him.

Everything about Kenshin was patient, tolerant and kind - the antithesis of Shishio's brutal savagery. _It is okay to be kind and care for others. That's what really makes a person strong_, Sojiro was learning through this experience.

"Grab that." Kenshin referred to the other bandages strewn about on the ground still clean and unused. He didn't like to talk much during intimacy, but felt it was necessary to teach Sojiro.

Fire built in the core of his body drawing all his awareness to the single point of existence in his arousal. Before feeling himself come to the edge, he put the bandages in place to catch what would be released. The intensity of the heat built further and his blood raced until his body uncoiled and let go. From the deepest recesses of body and soul, pleasurable waves washed through. The great ocean herself supported him in this powerful primal experience. His back arched and head titled back. Then he settled down and his breathing slowed back to normal.

He breathed coated in sweat. The bodily mix of lemon and lavender smelled good to him. A cool breeze blew by and caressed him. It carried a few cherry blossom petals that settled on his stomach. A brilliant butterfly alighted on his shoulder, silhouetted against the red curtain of his hair, before it quickly darted off.

The two of them washed off in the pond and dressed themselves. They returned inside and Kenshin made tea for both of them.

"It focuses the mind, Master Hiko used to say," Kenshin noted, referring to the tea. He questioned Sojiro the way Hiko used to question him in their training to see what depth of understanding was gained. "What have you learned from all this, Sojiro?"

The hot steam of the fragrant _matcha_ tea opened Sojiro's nose. He collected his thoughts in response. "I've spent so long thinking about what exactly I'm supposed to do and how to live my life," he began. "I need to stop being afraid. That's all, as I live my life as an adult."

Kenshin opened up, "When I was learning to master the final technique of the Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu, the Amekaku to Hiraki, I had to face my fears. I questioned if I was afraid of death and told myself not to be. Only in doing that did I value my life, awakening from the apathy I suffered in the Revolution, that I did."

Sojiro listened with rapt attention.

Kenshin continued, "Before I fought in the Revolution, Master Hiko trained me in the intuitive style of the Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu. He told me to meditate and observe my mind. I saw only death from my childhood - my parents died from cholera and I was traveling with other slaves who were murdered by bandits. Then Master Hiko found me, renamed me from Shinta to Kenshin and trained me. Hiko said just as the clouds above observe everything happening on the ground below, so I have to see what's going on inside of me. Only then can I be still and see that my mind isn't just in my head - it's in my body, around me and what creates my own battle spirit. In this focused and aware state, I can read what my opponent's battle spirit is and where his intentions lie. That's what the true soul of the Hiten Mitsuryugi Ryu style is about. I could only master the final technique needed to defeat Shishio when I was free from fear and fully aware."

This was deep and profound. Sojiro never heard anything like this. It was lacking in the

Tenken style received from Shishio. More importantly, it gave Sojiro insight on how to live his life.

Kenshin just sat composed, again like a Zen master, his eyes twinkling over his cup at Sojiro.

"I'm going to wander like you did and help others," Sojiro continued. "Thank you, Himura-san."

There was no more need to speak. Kenshin's smile said more than what words could give. Kenshin remembered when Hiko was pleased with his training; all he gave was a smile. And that's what Kenshin gave. They enjoyed each other's company over tea, savoring the present moment. The fragile cherry blossoms outside also echoed that this moment was transitory. With a single gust of wind, they could be scattered just like the happiness humans hold onto. Kenshin and Sojiro realized the ephemeral nature of their shared experience and each burned it deeply into his memory that flowed like a dream.

Sojiro bowed formally before Kenshin as a way to say goodbye, but also to acknowledge him as a Master and friend. Then he began his new life in his journey as a wanderer.

~The End~

Author's note: Long story. Thank you for reading. First story I've written in a long time. Hope you enjoyed it. PeaceJ


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